A Lesson on Love, From a Girl in Love
Love Love Love Love Love. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing it this season, I get it. In theory, it’s something we all want, something we all seem to strive for. Yet, I don’t think it’s something to strive for at all, I think we’re looking at it the wrong way completely.
We put so much pressure on finding love, especially on young women, like it’s some sort of stamp of approval on a life well lived. It’s not. Love is beautiful and special and it can make you feel like you’re the only person in the world, but it is not the end all be all, it is simply an addition to your life well lived.
When I was a teenager, I was riddled with anxiety about the very prospect of finding love. I felt like if I didn’t find “the one” in high school I would never find them at all. The High School Musical soundtrack rang through my head every time I walked the halls of my Northwest Chicago suburbs high school. Where was my Troy Bolton waiting to clasp his initial around my neck? I waited and waited for some athlete to sweep me off my feet and take me to the promised land (WAG by age 22). Eventually I got the athlete boyfriend, but guess what? You’ll never guess. He did not take me to the promised land. And when he didn’t, boy did I crash out. I placed too much value on the thought that I found “it” and that this “it” was the only “it” there’d ever be. Newsflash: it was not.
As I moved on from what felt like the most earth-shattering break up, I started realizing how much I lost out on being in a relationship that felt like my #1 priority at such a young age. During that time I spent more time with my friends, my family, and myself than I had in what felt like years. As I was coming into my (very) young adulthood (no like actually- I was just turning 18) at the same time, I got to know myself better than ever before. Who was this girl I lost track of all this time? I felt like I had just met the new me, the maturing me, the thoughtful me. As I spent this time getting to re-know myself and my people, I slowly started to realize I did not miss the idea of a relationship at all.
So, going into college, I swore off boys. I knew my friends, I knew my family, and best of all- I knew me. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely happy with my life exactly the way it was. I had a family that cared about me, amazing friends, me, and my education, all of that made me feel completely fulfilled. I joined a sorority, made even more friends, got into leadership positions, and bopped around the city I always dreamed about living in. Life literally could not get any better. I was completely happy, I no longer needed Troy Bolton to come save me, so I didn’t think he would. Now, I’m not going to lie to you and say I never thought about having a boyfriend during this time. Of course I did, I’m a Cancer and a hopeless romantic at heart, but I started to come to the realization that a boyfriend would simply be an addition to my life at this point. So, I paid a man no mind when I went out with my friends because what the hell could that 27-year-old approaching me in Electric Hotel offer to my life?
This time introduced me to confidence too. I became acutely aware of the woman I am and I realized I really liked her. For the first time, I saw myself as smart, funny, emotionally intelligent, pretty, and then some. Most of all, I realized that what I put value on most, above all else, is how I treat people and how I make others feel. I am a good friend and a good person. Of course, I make mistakes but I pride myself on my ability to take accountability for them. I sleep well at night because I know at my core, I am good, I am kind, I am considerate, I am loving. Knowing that I am good and truly, whole-heartedly loving myself for it changed my outlook on life and on love. I loved all I had to offer, and I knew someone else would too, but I was completely happy being “alone” because I had no issue with the girl I was alone with, me. Suddenly, there was no longer the option to settle because I knew exactly what I was worth and what I deserved in return.
In what at the time seemed like the wildest turn of events, as I fell in love with myself, my friends started to notice someone else might be falling in love with me too. I denied, denied, denied, “he’s just a friend-” ing myself out of every conversation because I was too scared to admit I might have feelings for him too. Did admitting my feelings mean I needed a man? Did admitting my feelings mean that all that self-growth was thrown out the window? No and no. Admitting my feelings meant for the first time in my life I wanted A man. Capital “A” man because I didn’t just want any man, I wanted that man. I noticed the way he treated his friends, me included, the way he always knew what to say, the way everyone listened when he talked. I also noticed how I laughed harder at his jokes than anyone else did, how his presence made me feel comforted and giddy at the same time, and how we gravitated to each other in every room. Most of all, I realized that he didn’t need me either, he had, and has, a life of his own. Just like I did him, he wanted me, we saw each other as a great addition to our already great lives. So, when his friends told me he always said he’d never be in a relationship in college, I did not care at all whatsoever, I simply responded with “Well, that was before he met me,” because 1. My confidence at the time was absolutely unmatched 2. I always told my friends the same. That was the moment I realized that this man made me feel no form of anxiety at all, something I didn’t even know I was looking for, but the thing that made all the difference.
As the great RuPaul has always said, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” I don’t think I can put it any better. Beyond just that, romantic love doesn’t have to be anything but an improvement to your life. I don’t think it should be hard to be in love, or hard to find love. I think it starts within. Us women are so conditioned to believe that love and marriage is the end all be all, we have to remind each other that it’s not. Are we telling the 35-year-old unwed lawyer simply living and enjoying his life that he better hurry up and find someone because his clock is ticking? No, and that’s good, I’m not mad at him for that. There is an unlimited and untapped amount of love surrounding us every day in ourselves, our people, and our surroundings that goes ignored because for some reason we believe it’s not enough? It can be, it is, and I don’t think I ever would’ve found a healthy love if I didn’t realize that first.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lovers out there, from me & mine, to you & yours. <3
Write you soon!
Beth
P.S.
I made a little love song playlist & you can find it on @bits.and.beths on Instagram, linked below!
